Open Road

Monday Sep 28th 2009

Crowd-sourced conference wisdom

Party conference season is well and truly underway, and as the cities of Brighton and Manchester prepare for a Westminster invasion, well-seasoned public affairs practitioners are lining their stomachs and sewing names and addresses into their belongings.

But what about the uninitiated? This year will be the first time that I attend a party conference and the prospect is a daunting one. What if I get trapped in a lift with Mandelson? What if I’m sick on Eric Pickles’ shoes? Does death await me if I stray from the secure zone?

In a bid to save myself and other first-timers from social and professional humiliation I appealed to the wisdom of the crowd, (the crowd in question being my Open Road colleagues). The results were mixed, and occasionally contradictory, but I include them here for posterity.

1. Bring lots of paracetamol.

2. Follow the food – there is always a freebie, and it is perfectly possible to walk into a fringe, pick up some sandwiches gulp a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and walk out again before the event has even started

3. Grazing on the assorted snacks at fringe events is not a replacement for a meal.

4. If you’re a pretty girl beware drunken lunges from famous BBC journalists.

5. Going to the disco is never a good idea

6. When networking always line up your exit strategy.

7. Never go to a formal session except the leader’s speech – get there early

8. Never go to a fringe without asking a question – free advertising for you, your consultancy, your clients

9. Talk to Lib Dem and Tory activists, they are fun.  Ignore Labour ones – they lack a sense of humour

10. Go round the exhibition.  The people there like to talk and it’s a bum job so cheer them up.  Also you get free pens

11. Sit on the beach (if available) and complain about non-seaside conferences (if not).  Inland conferences are an offence unto the Lord

12. If in doubt go to the bar of the main conference hotel and stand there until you meet someone you know – or share a drink with the be-kilted Scotsman that will invariably turn up at some point.

13. Blind drunk? this is an ideal opportunity call the girl you’ve always had a crush on or someone you’ve always hated but never told.

14. Always get a receipt. Kebabs can be expensed.