It was always going to be tricky getting the ‘events or announcements’ blogging slot in August. We’re at the height of silly season, and it’s thin pickings. Wait, what’s that? Civil unrest the likes of which never before seen on British streets? A free-falling stock market and the impending collapse of the eurozone? THE SPEAKER’S WIFE IN BIG BROTHER?? Good Lord, sorry, I must have been out. I told them I was the wrong person to do this.

All this does get me thinking though. Primarily about television, obviously, as is my wont. The Government’s completely missed its regular slot of sitting back over the summer and letting us all focus on the photogenic A-level students. It’s been wholly caught on the back foot, and as such, a horrible PR shambles ensued, as we all were led to believe our leaders didn’t care about us all that much…

There’s only one person that can sort this kind of slump out. Only one man to whom the nation turns in time of crisis, guaranteed to ramp up the wellbeing index. Someone capable of impeccable media handling and ruthless decision-making.

The X Factor returns this weekend. His name is Simon Cowell, and he’s here to rescue you.